I Will Live Until I Die

On Easter Sunday, my 31 year old friend and colleague, succumbed to her battle with cancer. Surrounded by her husband, parents, and her beloved dog in the home she tenderly cared for she made her transition into eternity.

For the past year, we talked a lot about the continued protocols to stem the tide of her disease. She spoke of her disappointment it never seemed to be enough treatment to end it.

The "why" questions emerged. The "what IRS attorney next" questions took over. She talked about everything on her mind. For the first time I heard her say, "If I don't make it I want to make sure that---" She confronted her mortality with a depth that reflected her willpower.

She sighed "I'm really tired of it all, but I've done pretty well without a lot of side effects." It was the truth. She did well despite her fatigue of the process. She was not ready to give up. She had the strong drive to accomplish goals she set. Despite her doctor's wishes, she would not stop working with the disabled and challenged clientele. Working only part- time, she still gave them her full attention helping them achieve their highest potential.

It goes without saying how hard it was watching her undergo weekly treatments. However, she had some very specific concerns for those who loved her. She wanted her husband of 7 years to know how to wash clothes, pay the bills, and she made sure all things were organized so he could take over the necessities of the household.

Last fall we attended a conference. On that 500 mile trip she shared her wisdom about facing treatment protocols and her own mortality.

She shared there were days when she wished family and friends would not hover. There were times she felt smothered with too much attention. "I need my space sometimes. I know they are so concerned and love me, but I wonder if they are more afraid than I am?" she said almost wistfully. "I'm not dying until I die," she said with determination, "I'm living until I die."

She admitted fatigue while working part- time, but she needed it to help make life normal. "I'm doing something for others," she said. Her heart touched challenged clients. She believed in them, saw their potential, and advocated relentlessly. What her clients saw was a woman who shared her disease and demonstrated we are all challenged by something, but we can still achieve and do our best.

I saw her strength and her vulnerability at the same time. She did not want pity or sympathy; rather, she required honesty, support and space for her to walk the unknown path of her journey.

As we share the experience, of those we professionally serve or someone we love and care for, it is important we refrain from hovering sympathy, platitudes, or trying to gloss over the reality of their life and death struggle.Too often patients find they are trying to protect everyone else knowing loved ones have yet to accept what the patient already knows within.

Between her last two hospital stays, she called asking how she would know it was OK to let go. As I told my husband and another friend who made their transition into eternity, "Your body will tell you. You'll know when it is time." We cried together and then she said, "I think it is soon."

After another short hospital stay, she went home and decided no more protocols would be administered. No tubes, no more tests, no more sticks by a probing needle. She rested in the comfort of her own home. And on Easter she was renewed as she transitioned in grace and surrounded by love

The gift of Sara's life is she taught others to understand living until death meant allowing life to be as normal as it could be. People who face death, need to be allowed to live life on their own terms, whether it is a desire to take a risk, lie in the sun on a beach, or merely work at the job they love until they re mortgage anymore.

If we cheat them of this ability to live life fully, we are asking them to start dying before they die. Taking away their independence, their choices, their ability to contribute despite fatigue is really not giving them life--it may be only taking it away before their own body says it is ready to make the transition.

Be sure to examine the motives of our own heart. Are we trying to hang on for them; or are we allowing them to live their life to the end in fulfillment of their own dreams.

Maralene Strom is a speaker and author who teaches on topics dealing with grief and recovery;Issues of living life 50 & Beyond; Caregiving in extended care facilities, home care, and special needs; Communicating with Empathy & Compassion. Her website features some of the topics she speaks on with information to connect with her for tele-classes, workshops or speaking to groups, conferences, etc.---- let her help you discover your life's meaning as you journey now and into your future. Visit